When Toddlers Become Terrorists

I love my children. I love and have loved them at all ages. As a family, we have transitioned from two to four kids in the past ten months and that process has at times been very challenging. In fact, this process has amplified a truth that parents often deny: Raising children does not always feel like a blessing.

I sat in the home of weary parents recently who had bought the lie that they were all alone, they were somehow the exception, that no one else struggles with parenting. I was surprised when they said “Wow, you are so honest.” They had been deceived into believing all of the Facebook posts and positive parenting comments about how wonderful raising children is.

Consider this: Social media is narcissistic almost by definition. No one (me included I am sure) tells all of the ugly truths about their lives on Twitter. Parents, get away from social media and get social in your parenting. Talk with real parents who share your worldview who are having real struggles. You may be surprised what you find.

Someone looked at me several months ago and said, “Wow Craig, what you guys are doing is so awesome, you must feel so blessed every day.” My reply: “No, we feel like we are in a war zone.”

The good news is that after months of struggle and strife, the blessing is beginning to show, and we are confident that the blessings will continue to come. But, the reality is that raising kids is hard, and sometimes our toddlers feel more like terrorists sent to destroy our happy lives than blessings from above. If you are in a happy place with your kids right now and doubt this reality, just remember potty training, or that kid who didn’t sleep through the night for four years, or lice…and we haven’t even made it to the teenage years.

But what can you do when the feeling of dread overwhelms your joy and satisfaction? Here are some helpful steps:

1. Be honest about your situation. The Bible is so wonderful. Galatians 6:2 commands us to bear one another’s burdens. Rely on your church family and other believers. Honestly share your struggles, and then allow them to minister to you. Be honest when you go to God’s world. It is difficult to receive God’s help until you have acknowledged that you need it.
2. Run to Christ. It is hard to find time for God’s word when you can’t seem to hold your eyes open, but in it is strength and life. His word reveals Christ, and he is your hiding place.
3. Name the enemy. The family is one of the epicenters of spiritual warfare in our world. Your kids and your spouse are not the enemy. Satan is the enemy of family and marriage. The real terrorist is the serpent of Eden.
4. Be Thankful. In the most difficult times the past year, writing down a few things I was thankful for in my journal each day helped to reshape my thoughts and feelings.
5. Get help. There is no shame in seeking counseling. Your pastor or other counsellors can help you to not only manage your feelings and emotions, but to help you consider parenting techniques you may not have considered. Counseling was invaluable for us (and Angela and I are both counselors).
6. Don’t hide. When life gets hard, most of us want to run into our shell and hide from the world and even our church family. During difficult seasons of life, I continue to be grateful for what a broken leg taught me about church attendance. Are you scared that if you show up at church your kid might embarrass you? It is OK. Your church is a safe place, safe for you and your kids. Go there to find others who know your pain and struggle. Let someone else help you for a while, and be cared for.
7. Take a team approach. There is a fine line between being honest about your situation and throwing your kids under a bus (figuratively, of course). Parenting is not you against your kids, it is you and your kids against the world. Love them through their struggles.
8. Find an outlet. Parenting is hard and kids are frustrating. Find an appropriate outlet for your stress and frustration. When life is hard, I need to lift even more weights. Maybe you run or just get outside. Whatever you do, manage your stress.
9. Don’t be a martyr. Seriously, you are not the only hope for your kids, Jesus is. Killing yourself does not prove to anyone that you are a better mother or father. Allowing someone else to help you may show that you are weak, but we all are. If you are unwilling to receive help, you have a pride issue (by the way insert your varied reason here: I can’t leave my kids because _________, but pride is still the root issue for almost everyone). Send the kids to grandma. Let them go to that church event or stay late for school. Accept help from the friend that wants to come clean your house or watch your kids. Jesus died so that you wouldn’t have to, and the applies to your parenting too.

Yes, adoption is hard and it brings a sometimes unique set of challenges, but so is potty training and all other aspects of raising kids. Parenting is not for wimps, but when your cute toddler (or fourth grader or teenager) becomes a terrorist, there is hope. Your kids may not seem like a blessing today, but we trust in God’s word and know that even if they do not seem to be a blessing today, “Children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward.”

So, parents of little terrorists, take heart, God’s word is always true.