In recent weeks and months I have battled anxiety. Anxiety and worry are not usual adversaries in my life, but they have certainly been real adversaries of late. In the midst of these struggles, I have seen God’s grace. God’s grace in allowing me to better understand some people I love because I have wrestled with the same demons that harass them regularly. I have also seen God’s grace in making me more dependent on him in these times of trial and struggle.
But, one of the greatest pictures of God’s grace has been for me in discovering a degree of victory over my anxiety.
I spent the first weeks in this struggle running from my anxiety. As much as I wanted comfort and deliverance, I did not find it initially in God’s Word. In fact, there were times when God’s word seemed to heap stress on top of my anxiety.
Proverbs 12:25 says, “Anxiety in a man’s heart weighs him down, but a good word makes him glad.” I read those words and thought, “yes, but what next?”
Philippians 4:4 urged me to “rejoice in the Lord always, again I will say rejoice.” As I read those words, I knew that was what I wanted to do, but I couldn’t find the peace of mind and heart to rejoice.
1 Peter 5:7 commands, cast “all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.” As confident as I was in God’s care for me, I could not seem to hand it to the Lord. At times, my anxiety seemed too heavy to carry and at other times, it just felt unwieldy, like trying to carry sand. It was there and it was heavy, but when I tried to carry it, it sort of slipped through my hands.
Anxiety can be like that. It can be difficult to define or even name, and yet, it can be oppressive and smothering.
When I could not seem to give my troubles to the Lord, I ran from them. I hid from my anxiety (or tried to). I ignored it and distracted myself. Even though I do not struggle with substance abuse, I realized anew how easy it must be for some people to use drugs and alcohol to distract them from their anxieties and worries, because that is our natural inclination. As Adam and Eve hid from the Lord in the garden, we hide in our worries and we try to pretend they don’t exist.
But, of course, after the distractions end, the old worries and anxieties wait for us again.
In the midst of these struggles, I traveled with my family and had conversations with my younger kids about what they should do if they were to get lost. On the streets of Riga, Latvia, I said these words to my youngest son
If you get lost, you will panic and you will want to begin looking for me. You will want to rush around frantically trying to find me. If you do, it will take longer for me to find you. If we get separated, I need you to sit down. You will not want to sit down, but you must sit down and I will find you. I will always come for you and I will find you. Just wait for me.
It was in those instructions to my son that I heard the words of my Father, “I will not leave you or forsake you.” These weren’t mystical words from the Holy Spirit, these were God’s words from Deuteronomy 31:8, “It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed”
Over time, that lesson began to open to me. Isaiah 40:31 promises, “They who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength.”
There was the answer to my anxiety. I had tried to ignore it, but it stayed. I had tried to bring it to the Lord, but it was too heavy. I had tried to go to the Lord empty handed, but my worries persisted. I was wandering lost in my anxieties when I should have sat and waited. The God who leaves the ninety-nine to find the one lost sheep would not leave me behind.
He won’t leave you either.
Are you battling anxieties today? Do your struggles seem too heavy to lift or too unwieldy to carry? Fear not, God knows who you are and where you are. If you wait on him, you do not need to fear that he will leave you behind. His promises are true. Those who wait on the Lord will renew their strength.
God sees you in your pain and weariness. He sees you in your anxiety and worry. And you can trust his gaze. He sees you, and it can sometimes be hard to look back into the eyes of that holy Savior, but he is gentle and lowly.
Stop. Wait. Listen. Hope. Pray. Trust.
Psalm 46:10 urges us, “Be still and know that I am God.” The rest of that Psalm recounts a time of war and strife. Psalm 46 is not a pastoral scene, it is chaos and calamity. And, in the midst of that chaos, God decrees, “Stop. Be Still.” Why? Because even in the midst of disorder, disarray, and confusion, God is still God and he longs to meet you there.
Are you struggling today? I am sorry. But God has not left you. If you are tired of running today, sit down. Wait. Your Heavenly Father will find you. You can trust him.
Photo by Matt Palmer on Unsplash
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