Parents, Let’s Talk

Parenting is hard. It is even harder when you feel like you are parenting on an island. Everyone knows that being your child’s best friend is not the goal of parenting, but we can still feel pressure from our kids. No good parent wants their kid to be singled out as different or to miss out on good things. Even when you feel confident that you are making good decisions for your kids, it is easy to second-guess those decisions.

You decided that your kid won’t have a cell phone or won’t have a TV in their room or perhaps that your kid should spend an hour outside per day. That all seems normal and reasonable, but then, the pressure comes. The pressure comes from your kids, “But, everyone I know has a cell phone.” Or, “My friends all get to watch TV as soon as they get home from school.”

Yes, everyone wants to believe they are tough, but over time, these sorts of complaints and requests can begin to wear down parents. You start strong, “It doesn’t matter what other families do, this is what we do.” But, your kids are persistent and conniving. You are strong for a week, maybe two. Then, you hear it one more time, “Sarah’s mom doesn’t make her play outside.”

That’s when it hits. You begin to question yourself, “Maybe I am too hard. Maybe I’m a bad parent.” Your walls begin to crack and your resolve begins to weaken. You start to think that maybe you should change your approach.

But, what if the story you begin to believe is not the whole story. What if the perception your kids have of the world around them is not a true perception? What if their friends do fold laundry, they just don’t talk about it at school? What if their friends aren’t actually allowed to watch TV in the afternoons?

When our kids give us these sorts of arguments, we have learned to respond this way, “Really? If I call Sarah’s mom, will she tell me that she never has to play outside?” Suddenly, it is not our resolve that weakens, it is the resolve of our sweet children, “Well, I don’t know what Sarah’s mom would say. I’m not sure. Maybe she does have to play outside. I mean, I haven’t ever really asked her, but she seems like the kind of person who doesn’t have to do that if she doesn’t want to.”

Parents. we need to talk. I don’t necessarily mean that you need to talk to me (though I’m very happy to do that). What I mean is that parents need to talk with each other. I can’t clearly define it, but there is some sort of parental shame that keeps us from speaking openly and honestly with each other. I think many parents are so convinced that they are failing or parenting wrong, that they never open up to others about what is going on in their lives.

Every time that I have opened up to another parent about my struggles in parenting, I have been met with appreciation, “Wow, you guys have that struggle too!?”

See, the truth is, the parents next door to you are struggling with some of the same things you are struggling with. And, they want to enforce some of the same rules you want to enforce, but they are a little afraid to alienate their kids.

In a recent sermon, I shared some of the parenting decisions we are making regarding technology and screen time. I also shared some of my failures as a parent. Afterward, a parent approached me and said, “Thank you for saying that. We have always been pretty strict about technology but were considering changing some rules, because we thought we were too hard. I’m so glad to know that we aren’t alone.”

I wasn’t surprised, because I was thankful a few months ago to learn that some of our friends take away screens at the same time we take our kids’ screens.

Parents. There is strength in numbers, and you need to encourage and be encouraged by other parents in the same struggle. Tell another parent how you manage technology or dating relationships or dinner time. Share you stories of struggle and triumph. Our kids need us to be a community for them, and there is strength in a health community coming together to create healthy, godly children.

Here are some decisions we have made in parenting that might help you to feel comfortable making similar decisions:

• Our kids didn’t get cell phones until they began playing school sports and needed be able to contact us. They do not have internet access or social media on their phones and mom and dad are always allowed to read text messages anytime we choose.
• None of our children are allowed to have screens in their bedrooms.
• All devices go to the charger at 9:30.
• We have said no to travel sports–it is not always easy to say no when you’re kids have athletic potential, but we made the decision years ago that our commitment to Christ, our church, our family, and our community would trump travel sports. This is not easy, but you can make that decision as well.
  • Side note on this one, if you are committing to travel sports to get your kid a college scholarship, you will be much better served investing that money in a savings account that will pay for college later down the road.
  • Side note #2, before you believe all the hype around travel sports, ask high school coaches, college coaches, orthopedic doctors, pediatricians, and pastors. Many of the people most lauding the benefits of travel sports are making money off of travel sports.
• We eat dinner together at the kitchen table, and all four of the kids have to eat vegetables.
• There are almost no video games or TV during the school week.
• Kids have to play outside.
• All family members help with laundry, house cleaning, and yard work (even though our kids work to convince us regularly that their friends NEVER have to do any of that kind of work).
• Our kids have a self-imposed “3 agree” rule. If three kids agree on an activity, the fourth has to participate. When necessary, we enforce it as parents. They all agreed to the rule, so they all have to live by it, and it really teaches them the value and cost of living as family. They came up with this rule, but I think that parents who have more than two kids might be served by instituting a similar rule in your own home. I love it.
• Bed times are a good gift and we love to give that gift to our children. You’re not a bad parent for ensuring that your kids get plenty of sleep.

This is an imperfect and incomplete list, and you might not enforce the same rules in your family. However, I hope it makes you feel better about your rules by learning that we have some similar rules. If you are thinking of doing any of the things above, you aren’t alone. At least one other family is doing it–and if you start talking with other parents, you will actually discover that many other parents are doing or considering doing the same thing.

Of course, I could also write a whole list of parent failures on my part in the last couple of weeks alone. My parenting is filled with success and failures. So be encouraged. We are all imperfect parents trying our best to raise kids to know and love Jesus. If you have messed up as a parent this week, you aren’t alone in that either.

Parents, you are not alone. Let’s talk.

You can help other parents. What are the rules or decisions in your household that have been beneficial? Help others to know that they aren’t alone. It is time that we moved past our pride and fear. There are no perfect parents. So, let’s get busy being better parents and helping others to become better parents as well.

Parents, let’s talk. Give other parents courage. In the comments section, share some things happening in your household that might encourage others who are beginning to second-guess their parenting decisions. We are all better together. Drop your comments and help us all to be better parents, one encouraging word at a time.